Suicide
The flight of stairs leading to the roof was barely wide enough to accommodate the trail bike, and divided by a landing midway where I would have to turn it around. Propping the front wheel upon the third step, I crouched forward, revved the engine and popped the clutch. The rear tire screeched until it caught traction on the first step, and being slow to clear my feet I stubbed my right big toe squarely on two of the steps. To counter my inertia as the machine accelerated and angled upward I leaned lower, and rattled my forehead off the speedometer. I reached the midpoint in less than two seconds, flung the front wheel ninety degrees and myself into the wall, mashing my left knee, elbow and shoulder, knocking the wind out and bouncing my skull like a basketball. The cognac filtered the pain enough so that when I could catch my breath I laughed a little, thinking that I should have at least worn a helmet, and it was Gregg’s turn to say, “Shit happens.”
I restarted the bike and got it pointed in the right direction. The door loomed above, framing a neatly cut rectangle of galaxy, a handful of stars winking within, beckoning. A last moment spent looking back brought the memory of LaMaze’s murderous intentions toward both Gregg and I, of Karen’s unheeded warnings, of Christine’s frightful disregard for her companions whenever her own interests conflicted, and now I saw so clearly how doomed we all were to fail. I saw as clearly as the stars above how that overwhelming sense of doom led Karen to scale the motel fence, not in an attempt to escape but as an irresistible offer of sacrifice. As she was wont to never leave well enough alone, Karen’s second conclusion about the fate of humanity fairly well yanked the carpet out from under her first one, and out from under any shred of optimism any of us might still hold. It was, simply stated, that all life plainly was in no way immune to the laws of thermodynamics, if one just waited around long enough to see it through. For it was written that humanity’s supremacy, far from being the glorious achievement we patted ourselves on the back over, only assured the destruction of the planet, squarely completed the mystifying equation with a sum no better than zero, and that this destiny was not foretold in the high numbers of the periodic table of elements, as many had believed, but inscribed in the four letter alphabet that composed the story of life from beginning to end, the entwined strands spiraling around each other as if dancing, as if...in love.
So I now knew what had blown Ben’s mind. And though I’d heard its full name several times throughout my truncated education, it escaped me there at the threshold of eternity and I could only whisper, “D & A,” through my dry lips.
The stairwell reeked of exhaust fumes, my eyes began to water and cross, and my breathing worked only when I yawned. There was no more time. I raced the engine as I refocused on the stars through the observatory slot the door resembled. I released the clutch and the piece of sky expanded until it burst out all around me.
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