White House: 6 + 7 now = 14
(AP) Washington - To mark Tony Snow's last official day on the job as press secretary, the White House declared today that it would no longer recognize that there any numbers whose sums add up to 13.
"As of today, six plus seven now equals fourteen," incoming press secretary Dana Perino told reporters at the daily press briefing. "As do five plus eight, four plus nine, and so on."
Once the press corps was able to resume breathing, several reporters clamored for an explanation.
"It's a widely held belief that thirteen is an unlucky number," Perino said. "With increasing hostility in Congress, from voters, and the resignations of Messrs. Rove and Gonzales, to name a few, the President simply decided - he is the Decider, after all, that he couldn't wait for his luck to change. Grasping the bull by the horns, he has decided to do away with bad luck altogether. Hence the decision to make the number thirteen persona non grata in the executive branch. Fourteen is the new thirteen. It is, as everyone knows, the double of seven, which is the luckiest number of all."
When asked if the White House was bracing for any backlash or ridicule, Perino replied, "No way. This is a time-honored practice in the travel industry. There is no thirteenth row of seats on airplanes. High rise hotels have no thirteenth floor button on elevators. We are doing nothing more than drawing a lesson from their success."
Perino walked reporters through the process of finding thirteen's replacement. Eleven was considered a strong candidate, as it would keep the memory of 2001's terror attacks fresh on the public's mind. "However, we decided to look forward in this case, and fourteen comes after thirteen, not before. September fourteenth is Press Secretary Snow's last day on the job, too, and no one was better at making numbers say whatever his boss wanted people to hear. So it's also a tribute to Tony."
Perino belittled the suggestion that the White House was submitting its decision-making to superstitious nonsense, much as former first lady Nancy Reagan did when she consulted an astrologer in the mid-1980s to help her husband through difficult times.
"We prefer to think of it as a faith-based initiative," she said.